Kiwi

Hello readers! I know it’s been a while since I last posted, but who am I kidding? No one reads this thing anyways… I pretty much just writing to let out my energy and to keep me busy…

In a matter of months, my mother will get her orders… In that time we have the anticipation of leaving England for the states… In that time I’m debating whether to leave this world I built in the last two years behind… Everyone who has made me me is here… I can’t find these people anywhere else…

Although Austin and Emily are calling me crazy for wanting to stay, I think finishing up high school here will be good for me… I hate the feeling of starting over and I actually wanna stay somewhere for more than 4 years… I wanna graduate with my class and have the opportunity to meet the guy that turned my life around ;) 

All my friends are here… I mounted from a sad, ugly, awkward thirteen-year-old to a happy, pretty, outgoing sixteen-year-old… If it wasn’t for me moving to a foreign country and being secluded to just one base, I wouldn’t be who I am today, and even though my rebellion streak is gettin worse, I love my life… I’m the happiest than I could ever be anywhere else…

England has been such an experience… Even the weather, as bipolar as it is, is something that I may miss… No matter how much I long to see sun…

As I sit here in my sweats and longhorns hoodie, I think bout the last 2 and half years… And shit, have things changed… Don’t wanna go into detail, but if you know me you know what has changed bout me…

I love my life, even if I complain… The minute I leave this country, my world will be shattered… I mean, do you know how much Imma miss Austin and Emily and seeing their faces everyday? Or know how much Imma miss hearing Ryan’s voice on the phone? 

Not many people can say they’ve been to England, but I can… And I’m only 16!

Cherishing every last moment I have here is my goal… I will make the most of my time with Austin and Emily and try to hear Ryan’s voice as much as possible…

Without England and the amazing people I came across in this biodome, I wouldn’t be Cheyenne Runnels… And I probably wouldn’t be proud to call myself that either…

I love you England… Forever and Always…

                                                      With love,

                                                         Chey

Okay, so I decided while I try to put words together to write you a new poem, I might as well tell you why I started posting again…

I’m weak… There I said it… I realized that posting on this silly little blog of mine kept me happy, even if very few people read it… But those that read it obviously thought my thoughts mattered, right?

Since I stopped writing, I was able to focus on myself, not anyone else… I was able to fix myself and in that time I broke my friendship off with Morgan, started new ones with Austin and Emily, and picked up the mess with Ryan… That time that I wasn’t talking to him was silly… He was always there, I just kept tricking myself into thinking that I would never hear from him again… And I felt okay with that… But eventually I found him again, and since then it’s been amazing(: <3

Of course things aren’t always gonna be dandy, but I think I’ve matured enough to know how to handle the rough situations…

But I’m happier now… With everything and everyone… I think with the way I’m thinking now, I can write more poetry and fulfill that life long dream of mine… No matter how long it takes to get there…

So, my dear readers, looks like I’m back to my old self… Only better(:

                                                               With all my love once again,

                                                                 Cheyenne Runnels-Frazier

                                                        But I think we can still call me Chey(:<3

Okay, I can’t decide on a name for this poem just yet, so we’ll number it…

Autumn comes in early November

By this time I begin to remember

I was someone else for a while

Who was she?

Was she even me?

The leaves crunch under my dirty feet

I was innocent then

Running and rolling around in mud

With the others

I had no worries

I didn’t even know what it was to be sad

Years went by

He never even stopped to say hi

I’m older now

I live to impress

I’m drop dead pretty

I used to not care if you didn’t want me

Now I get scared you will never miss me

Let’s fastforward to a time when your opinion doesn’t matter

It doesn’t exist

He clouded my heart with fog and mist

You brightened my heart with your sun

Since then I just can’t forget about you

Autumn ended sometime in December

Give me something else to remember

Alright, so that was a bit rough… In time it will be perfected…

Until then, keep checking back for more poems… :D

                                                                        With love,

                                                                           Chey

Fooled you, my dear readers, haven’t I?

I fooled myself too, don’t worry(:

My urge to write again was sparked by a smile on my face and The Maine on Kiwi, so I thought why not return to the one place where my words were the most appreciated :D

The next post you will read will be a poem which I hope will be written shortly… I promise you, there will be poems this time… Promise…

You are probably eager to find out about the people in my lives you heard of so much… Well, since this blog of mine caused problems because of what I said about certain people, I decided to keep my thoughts on people to myself… As you all know, I think too much, but not with what I say about people… So, no more about Ryan, Chelby, my parents or other people… This is strictly poetry business and nothing more…

Sorry to disappoint…

                                                                    With love,

                                                                       Chey

Dear readers… I hate to say but this is my last blog… I think Imma leave it up though, so that you, my dear dear readers, know the legacy that is me (: Look out for my name… One day I will be a famous photographer and poet with a life that only one dreams of…

Some last updates on people in my life:

Mum and Cornell are still happily married; Chelby is dating a senior named Darrian now; Theo is still busy with training, but we’re gettin along just fine (: Morgan and Ryan have new found feelings for each other…

Me? I’m letting EVERYTHING go that was holding me back… I’m seeing my life in a whole new light and NOTHING can hold me down again…

Why I’m quitting this blog you ask? I’m letting everything go that was holding me down, and this blog had some pretty intense stuff that will keep hold of me…

Why not delete it? I want people to be able to go back to this and see what I was like BEFORE growing up… Yes Ryan, I am growing up… I’m just growing up without you (: I need to find who I am without all this mess that I put MYSELF through with Ryan and such…

There’s a new Cheyenne, but I was brought up to keep every piece of writing of some sort…

But, I am thinking bout starting a Vlog on Youtube… Let’s see how that turns out XD

So my readers, with all my love in the world, I say good-bye… For the last time…

One thing before I go… As a favor to me, the sickly girl you’ve come to love (: Love Yourself, and Love God… You know, it does feel good to have something to believe in… See what miracle He performs for you today (:

                                                          With all my love forever more,

                                                                         Chey

Gosh, been a while since I last blogged… I guess because me and Ryan are completely through… Something happened that I don’t wish to discuss that lead him to find complete mistrust in me… He texted me once after that, asking if I was ok… I told him that I missed him and that I was sorry for everything, regretting everything that I ever did to him, just like he said I would… I texted him asking him if he was ok, and he said he was…

I’m glad he’s ok… He’s back with Lauren and I honestly wish him the best, because that’s what he deserves… I never deserved his love or his friendship for that matter… If he’s reading this, he may think I’m full of complete shit (no surprise!)… But anyways, what brings me back is that I do miss him completely…

He’s part of my world… In every piece of lyric from Death Cab For Cutie and there is always something that happens that will make me laugh or cry because all I can do is think bout him…

OK, so, what brought this up is that I went into my documents on my laptop, looking for a pic of my friend Chris but instead I found pictures of Ryan that he sent to me… Death Cab For Cutie was playing and I began to cry…

I have a chance to forget bout Ryan, but do I really want to? I keep thinking that one of these days I’m gonna find an email from him or a text or something that indicates that he is still thinking bout me… I hate not knowing if he still cares for me or not…

But is it best that I don’t know?

Is ignorance really bliss?

In my opinion, it’s not…

Even while talking to Theo, this amazing guy who has no problem with my awkwardness or any of my flaws, I think bout Ryan and how much he cared bout me… I act as if no one else will ever love me the same way he did… I act as if he’s the only one for me, and without him my heart will be nothing more than a beating object…

Ryan got to me in so many ways… While I was with Toby, Ryan showed me that Toby was no good for me and wasn’t worth my time… Then when it came to Theo when Ryan started dating Lauren and finally told me he was leaving, he told me that I was to not trust Theo, that I was gonna get hurt…

In the end, through it all, Ryan was the one to hurt me… He broke my heart, and I broke his… Yet, I’m willing to push that to the back of my mind because I wanna start over with him…

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!

Is this how my life is supposed to be? All this pushing and pulling with the one guy who seemed to care bout me the most yet at the same time be the one to hurt me the most?

I don’t know where this is all going, but for now Ryan is just a chapter in my life and I think I finally ended it…

                                                        With all my love,

                                                               Chey

This is my first post since summer ended… Actually, I don’t even think I posted anything when summer ended…

Not much has happened since, except school of course… I deleted my Facebook, which I’m very proud of; my friendship with Morgan was tested a bit; and more importantly, I got over my intense feelings for Ryan… It’s not as harsh as it sounds =]

Ryan actually suggested that I get interested in someone other than him, someone closer to me and my age, which I was hurt at first, but I finally realized he was right… But I didn’t follow his instruction entirely… I started liking someone closer to my age, but right now he’s not close to me… He’s away for training and his name is Theo…

I’m not in love with him… But I sure do like him =D Love is kinda a touchy subject for me right now… After me and Ryan let love into our friendship, things got messy and feelings were hurt, so for now I see it best to not let my feelings for Theo get too intense… And he completely agrees… A relationship is the last thing both me and him need right now…

I’ve matured about my feelings for people… Getting attatched to people easily is something I’m truly working on so that things won’t be so messy with Theo… He’s become my best friend and I’ve let him in as far as I need him to be… Ryan is too far in, but he just doesn’t know it ;) Hahaha

I do miss talking to Ryan like how I used to, but things got too outa hand that now somethings don’t seem right to tell him… But all that matters is that we both have moved past our feelings for each other… And hopefully once we’re completely past them, then our relationship can go back to how it used to be… Before I started realizing how much I missed talking to him =]

Theo, Theo, Theo… Right now, I miss him… I talked to him two days straight, and then, like before, he’s gone… I know I will talk to him again soon, but during the time that I don’t, I worry bout him… But that’s pretty normal, right? I mean if any one of my friends disappeared after being around for a little while would worry me… So, what makes this so different? He’s not in the army yet, so he couldn’t have been shipped away that quickly… Anyways, I think about him a lot… I may have a tad crush on him, but I do like him… A lot… He told me that he’s probably just as crazy bout me as I am bout him, or maybe even more… But I don’t think it would work out… Like I said, both of us can’t handle a relationship and also because of the distance…

Well, this is where my blog ends… Goodnight my dear readers… MWuAH!

                                                   With all my love,

                                                          Chey

And before me

The wicked stands

See the blood drain

From my weakened hands

The lies I lead

They drift not far from me

On the bay

We greet the harsh new day

The sun is bright

But the air is cold

Frigid and crisp

The clouds stir up ahead

My heart has me mislead

I stand at this shore

The long journey has left my feet sore and torn

At the edge of the far out sea

I see a beacon

It’s calling to me

God has saved me

From this lonely island in which the devil left me

To be honest, I have nothing interesting to report you, my readers…

Sitting in front of me at the Mildenhall Library is Austin Powell, a guy that dear Morgana had sex with… I’m not sure if he knows that I’m here and trying to ignore me, or if he just doesn’t pay very )good attention to his surroundings, but either way I think he strongly dislikes me… After all, in front of most Club Beyond members at our darling chapel, I yelled inconspicuously in his direction, “FOUR BABY FOUR!” He probably hasn’t forgiven) Morgan for telling me, but it’s whatever… I don’t know the guy very well, but the way he took advantage of my best friend makes me reciprocate the feelings he may have towards me…

If any of you readers are friends with me on Facebook, then you have read my status for today… If you aren’t then here it is:

Cheyenne Runnels-Frazier in the library at mildenhall and people are giving me weird looks because im pretty much smiling at nothing, but in my head im thinking of him and as i think of him and smile at what some think is at nothing i also get this weird feeling in my tummy that feels all fluttery… some call those butterflies… ♥

I have the feeling of being undoubtably in love and it’s quickly spreading throughout my veins and taking the place of my blood… Even while texting my ex-boyfriend that I lost the game I’m smiling… I even smiled when I looked at the pictures of him and my friend together… Of course I’m happy their together, I have no problem with it like most would because I care for someone else, and I’m in love with someone else, even if he doesn’t love me the way I love him…

Love is a very complicated thing… Makes you go crazy to the point where you can go postal possibly… The feeling is great, but the outcome can be messy… Love is delicious, yet poisoness… The word, at the moment, leaves a blissful taste in my mouth, like chocolate, but at other times, the word is bitter… When I used to tell Toby, I love you the taste was bittersweet… It was always somewhere in the middle… With Ryan, that’s a different story…

The first time Ryan told me he loved me, I pretty much dragged it outa him… He was completely fine with not telling me he loved me, but being one to always wanting to know the truth, I made him tell me… Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if Ryan ever told me on his own free will that he loved me after that… Did he feel forced to tell me even when I wasn’t dragging it outa him? Well, whether he told me on his own free will or not, telling him I love you, those vicious three words spelled out in eight blissful letters, was sweet… And I knew I meant them… Guilt washes over me as I type this out because I only half meant it with Toby… But then again, I didn’t give myself time to get to know Toby like I did with Ryan… These past four or five months have given me time to get to know a person and feel absolutely out of my mind crazy about him… With Toby it was just a week or two and then the month that we were together and I only felt not even a fourth crazy about him like I thought I did… Because I was falling for Ryan I tried to trick myself into thinking that I had feelings for Toby when everyone else, possibly Toby included, could see that I didn’t, at all… Everyone saw it before I did, me falling for Ryan… It was pointed out to me when I was walking the track with Ash-Bash that I could possibly be crushing on Ryan… It was while he was away in Paris and I hadn’t be speaking to him that entire time he was gone… I missed him, as I have explained in previous posts… I think that might’ve been the tip-off for everyone…

So, again, I’m going through the chain of events that lead up to this feeling of bliss… And all I have to thank for it is, well, Toby… If it wasn’t for him playing his video games with his friends, I would’ve never been in that chat room, looking for someone to talk to, and then I wouldn’t have met Ryan… So many what-ifs are going through my mind right now as I swing my legs to the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack (my feet can’t quite touch the floor)… She’s got you high, and you don’t even know yet… Good song…

Anyways, I hate using the cliche term, but I think it was fate that me and Ryan started talking… Now he’s my best friend, and I can’t live without him… I <3 you, Ryan :)

Well, I think I’m done with my psycho babbling…

                                                       With all my love,

                                                              Chey

So, I’m sitting here in the library on base, listening to Breath Carolina and sitting at a table in between my new friend Megan and my sister Chelby… There’s so much to blog about, but I don’t know if I have the energy to lay it all down…

I guess I can say everything in short…

New house: We officially moved in Monday, but the old house wasn’t completely released from us until yesterday, I think… I love my new house… I have a room big enough for my thinking… Needless to say, I have more space than I sometimes feel like I need, but now everything doesn’t seem so cluttered… Not to mention I have my own bathroom! But for the time being I have to share the shower with Chelby because hers is messed up… I have my mum’s old bed, and it makes me feel smaller than I really am haha

Work: For the past couple of days I’ve been working in a different office than my own, and it is so CHAOTIC! There is so much more filing than I’m used to, but I have Megan and others there that keep me a tad sane :) I also made friends with a couple airmen :D

Ryan and Morgan: Ryan and Morgan get their own section because they’re just that awesome :)

Morgan: I wanna start with Morgan, though… I’m so lonely without Morgan around, but I use her new boyfriend Rob as my messenger because I don’t have internet so there is absolutely no way to talk to her when I’m at home… Rob calls me everyday to talk to me, which makes things better since NO ONE else calls me and he texts me when he can… Anyways, everytime I talk to Rob I always ask bout Morgan… I miss her so much… I wish she lived near me… Oh, and Rob should be coming down soon to see us :D

Ryan: What can I say bout Ryan that won’t make him upset with me? I mean, I have nothing bad to say, but I don’t know… I have stuff to say but I don’t know if he would be okay with me saying anything… Well, no one really reads my blog anyways, so I’ll just say what’s on my mind… I miss him… I know that sounds weird because we have never actually met, but lately I’ve been thinking of him more than usual, and everytime I get a text, I always rush to my phone to see if its him sending me a random text message… I listen to A Rocket to the Moon, and I constantly think of him… I torture myself pretty much because I always listen to his music… I don’t know if I do it just to constantly keep Ryan on my mind or because I actually like the songs… Either way, good music… Makes me happy and gives a silly girl like me hope that a guy will fall completely in love with me <3 I think that Ryan is still crazy bout me, and I think he admitted it to me once, but I don’t think he’ll admit it again because there were some complications with the after-admittance… Anyways, I hope he comes to see me soon… And Morgan of course, because Morgan makes everything better… Shes like the strawberry filling to strawberry poptarts… I guess I’m just trying to say (in Chey-Tye language) that at times I’m just not me without a dose of Morgan everyday… I hope Rob can help keep that up :) If you read this Rob, I’m depending on you :D

I think that’s bout it… My mum will be here soon so I should probably end this and hope to God that the crap internet here doesn’t mess up :)

                                                With all my love,

                                                       Chey